Thank you so much for spending your hard earned vacation time in our wonderful city. Welcome! As someone who lives in the neighborhood, I thought I’d offer a few quick tips and tricks to make sure you get the most out of your time in the Windy City. This is all based off of…
To clarify, I can make eye contact with people I know… but even that is sometimes a bit painful. Sometimes, when someone is talking to me I can’t pay attention to what they’re saying because I’m all like, “OH SHIT, where do I look?! I don’t want to look into their eyes because they’re going to suck my soul out of me, but I don’t want them to think I’m rude so I’ll just stare at their nose oh shit they’re going to think I’m staring at their nose because it’s big WHERE DO I LOOK!”
Anyway, I turned 30 a few weeks ago. My resolution for this year is to learn how to make eye contact. So far, I’ve failed miserably.
Today, a hot guy at Starbucks kept trying to catch my eye. I walked past on the way to the bathroom and he turned to look at me… and I decided to find the floor very, very interesting. Then, he went outside to smoke, and after he was done i went out…. and he followed me outside and faced me and tried to make eye contact some more. Instead, I pretended to find the road construction down the street very, very interesting. DUMBASS.
Fifteen minutes later, I see someone approaching me out of the corner of my eye (but of course, I’m too scared to look). I think to myself “YAY hot guy is approaching and I didn’t even have to make eye contact!”
I look up, and it’s not hot guy… just some random ass dude that I accidentally made eye contact with earlier.
Him: “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
Me: “No, I don’t believe so.”
Him: “I swear I do.”
Me: “Sorry, you must have me confused.”
Him: “Are you Latina?”
Him: “What are you then?”
Me: “Bosnian-Serb and German”
Him: “Is your last name Solis, by chance?”
Me: (Wouldn’t that make me Latina? Didn’t I just say I’m NOT Latina?) Nope, sorry.
Him: “Are you sure you’re not involved in the Latin community?”
Me: “Pretty sure.”
Him: “I know I’ve seen you at fundraisers for the Latin community before.”
Me: “Wasn’t me. Sorry.”
Him: “Do you have Latin friends that attend fundraisers for the Latin Community? Is that it?”
Me: (Thinking: What is this guy’s obsession with the Latin community?!) I do, but they are not involved with the 'Latin Community', sorry. NICE TO MEET YOU.”
Anyway, hot guy left, Latin Community Man decided to come back and ask me one last time if I was involved in the Latin Community via whatever-blibbity-blah-blah-nonprofit, and THIS, my friends, is why I don’t make eye contact.
I’ve decided to live-blog my thoughts for 5 minutes as I check my messages on OKCupid… because, to be honest… I think my friends are getting sick of receiving Facebook messages with links and editorial comments.
#1: Oh, he looks cute. Wait… he says he likes… penguins… more than he likes people?? And he spends a lot of time thinking about BATMAN? IS THAT A DOLLAR SIGN TATTOOED ON HIS LEG?!?! Who the fuck gets a DOLLAR SIGN tattooed on their calf?! DELETE!
#2: Meh, he may be handso… wait, nevermind. He somehow went from receding hairline to bald between pictures #1 and picture #2. NOT INTERESTED. I’ll save this message just because I feel like a jerk for judging someone who is probably a perfectly nice person based on their lack of hair. God, I’m a jerk. Does liking men with hair make me a bad person? I wonder…
#3: Hi, Matt… thanks for sending me a messa…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..Delete.
#4: Shrimp balls? Who the fuck lists SHRIMP BALLS as something they can’t live without?! Delete.
#5 Nice try Mr. Hot Macedonian Guy… you live 1,000 miles away and we’ve all seen Catfish. This could be amusing. I’m totally responding…. for entertainment purposes only, of course. Not because I want to have his baby in the off-chance that he’s a real person. No, not at all…
#6: Helpful hint, dude: when you start off an email with “let me be straight-forward” - 9 times out of 10, you’re about to say something that I don’t want to hear. DELETE.
#7: If you’re “Chicago’s Finest” then I believe it’s time for me to relocate. Then again, perhaps I should save this message for later… you know, just in case…
#8: “tall, lean, fickle, playful, pliant, flexible, succulent,witty-ish,and your mother will love me.”
…you forgot to add CREEPY. And really, a 51 year old man should NOT be posing like that. And that drink with me that you’re “still waiting for” … well, you’re going to be waiting quite a while, old man. Delete and BLOCK.
#9: You want me to come over and WHAT?!?!
#10: Dear sir, thank you for being honest about your desire to bang every chick on OKCupid… but no thanks. I’m fucking logging off of this shit.
I’m not impressed with this melon in the Meaningful Beauty infomercial. I once had a squash sitting on my kitchen counter for 9 months and I’ll be damned if that squash didn’t age. Cindy Crawford needs to make some motherfucking Meaningful Squash serum.
Forever21 is selling a dress identical to the one I wore for my 10th birthday. I started laughing by myself at how funny it would be if I wore it for my 30th birthday in a few weeks and subsequently scared a bunch of preteen suburban girls.
In short, I learned two lessons tonight: 1. I’m officially old enough to see bad fashion from my childhood recycled 2. I’m almost old enough to be “stranger danger.”
The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it is distinguished by an unusual set of characteristics. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong convictions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself. It would be highly unusual for INFJs to do something like this because of personal glory or power.
INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.
These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.
INFJ personalities are one of the truest introverts who can only be emotionally connected to a small circle of people. As introverts, INFJs need to have some “alone time” once in a while or otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while – and since other people usually see INFJs as extroverts, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.
INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior.
Low energy will continue this month, till the 14th January 2013. Some unnecessary ego in speech as well as issues with the extended family possible till the 14th January 2013 too. 14th January 2013 onwards you will find very good growth as well as rise in your luck. There would be higher income and better health. The dip in energy will give way to a robust period in the second half of the month.
My mom’s family looks REALLY Native American, and I keep telling her someone lied to them… especially because my grandpa was from a part of North Dakota that is mostly Native American. While talking to her today, I mentioned I was watching a TV show and the part-Native woman they were interviewing looked a lot like her and her cousins.
Mom: Oh, I don’t know. I was told that’s just because we’re Dark German.
Me: WTF is Dark German?! Did you come from the Black Forest?!
Mom: No, they’re just… darker Germans.
So I go and Google it.
Me: Mom… “Dark German” was a 19th century term used for mixed-race Native American and German children.
The truth is, I don’t know how to put all of this into one logical stream, but I’ll do the best I can. I might be revealing enough to identify me, if she wants to put in the effort, but the truth is I don’t really care anymore.
I started as an unpaid intern. One of SEVEN unpaid interns in the…